A New Family

This is horribile. The whole TTC thing just takes over everything. I'm pretty sure it hasn't worked for me this month. Which is ok, but I'm sad about it, and I think this is compounded by all the emotion about Cagney's nearly this month. I want to be sure so I can have a tot of whiskey and relax. Just that, and I'd be fine. But until I'm sure, I can't, just in case. So I'm walking round feeling like a mad woman, in limbo land, unable to live my life (ok, ok, I know life doesn't depend on whiskey, though the direct translation of the Gaelic uisce beatha is water of life. But I also can't run, can't sleep through the night... kinda messes with your head!)

So, BIG apologies are due to Cagney, as my attempts at avoiding getting emotional in front of her means I distance myself from her. And that's kind of the hardest part of all this. We've been together nearly 10 years, and this year's been the best yet. Now, with this TTC stuff, I feel like we're jeopardising all that for something that may never happen. I know our relationship will survive, but we're losing what should be lovely days over the xmas hols to my TTC-related bad mood.

Cagney, I am so sorry.

Well I got my period yesterday, so that's finalised things. I felt quite empty when we came out of the doctors on Thursday knowing that is was definately not pregnant, & when he told me I thought I was going to pass out, probably cos I'm now so tired.

Now that I know for sure, I will skip nexts months insem to give my body & mind time to heal & start again after that.

Phew, what a rollercoaster ride!

This whole journey is far more emotional than I had ever expected. This last week - after positive pregnancy tests last weekend - none of us (Cagney, Travolta or me) have slept. So many possibilities and my mind racing ahead to a billion and one "what-if" scenarios. After all that, we went to the doc yesterday and he seemed really chuffed for us when Cagney said she thought she was pregnant. But the test was negative. It seems most likely that she was pregnant, but has had a very early miscarriage.

That she isn't mad, and that her symptoms were real is somehow comforting. The loss is real but very painful. However, Travolta's kind and generous response to all this uncertainty and bad news has been tremendous - happy to be with us or leave us alone, putting Cagney's feelings before his own, and it must be hard to deal with this alone. Another reason why we made a perfect choice.

Plus he's a silver lining kind of guy. We now know his sperm and Cagney's egg met. Which means they can do again. Whether I can bear to go through 9 months feeling like I did for the last week I can't bear to think about right now.

The signs: I am late for my period more than normal
                   My breasts feel heavy
                   I have done 3 tests & they all have faint lines (Ripley did one too just to see                   if she got a faint line but she didn't get anything)
Am I preggers?  I don't know 100%, I plan to do a test in 2 days time & if it's still the same I will make an appointment with my doctor.  It's driving me crazy, the not knowing for sure.  Will have to wait until Thursday to be certain one way or another.

Another test - this time negative.

This whole waiting business feels even harder when it's not my body that's waiting. Cagney is being very patient with all my repetitive questions ("but do you feel any different, at all, anywhere? No."). But what we really need is a conclusive yes or no from a test kit.

So Cagney's had 3 positive pregnancy tests. She's not totally convinced. But I am - O...M...G...!!!!

(sorry Cagney for spilling the beans, just couldn't not!)

SO many feelings., don't know where/how to start describing them. It's finally real - we're really going to make a baby. So much will change, so it's exciting but the unknowns make it scary too.

Cagney writes better than me, so I'll pass the pen to her...

It's been 16 days since ovulation & there's no sign of anything! I'm about 4 days overdue for my period. I'm irregular anyway but this is really irregular, I don't recall being this overdue for a period before. I've done 2 pregnancy tests, yesterday & today, but they were both negative. If I don't get my period within the next few days I will test again.

It's so blimmin scarey not knowing either way, I feel quite a loss when the test doesn't read what I expected it to. Although, I don't really feel any diiferent. Ripley & I both think I'm due on, as I was frantically cleaning the kitchen this morning!

Fingers & toes crossed again for the next few days, it would be the perfect xmas gift.

I keep getting little pains in my womb, I've never experienced them before.  Could I be preggers or is it just my lining detatching itself?  I should be due on anytime from now, I haven't had sore boobs this month & my temperature is  36.7.  I shouldn't get carried away, but I can't stop myself.

Ripley cycled over for the collection from Travolta on Saturday morning. Travolta lives an hours cycle ride away. She was fine getting there, but on the way back disaster struck and she gained a puncture and of course didn't take a repair kit with her! She had to walk for 45 minutes until she found a cab office that would take her the rest of the way home. Altogether it took her 2 hours to return.

Travolta luckily had put his donation in a specimen pot inside a flask, so hopefully they wouldn't have got too cold!

Had a go for the 2nd time last night , and again tonight, fingers, toes & legs crossed (well not too tightly!) again.  Shame it's so near the xmas period tho, I have a works party next week & I shall be stone cold sober while everyone around me will be legless.  Might be interesting I suppose for an hour or two!! Let's hope it works for either of us this month.  I'm thinking of giving up after 6 months as I'm 40 years old & maybe my eggs will have disintergrated.  See how I feel anyway.