A New Family

Here's Here!!

2008-02-13T15:57:00.004Z

He was born at home on the 30th January 2008 at 08:25 hrs weighing 8lbs. He had to be rushed to hospital as soon as he was born because he had inhaled lots of fluid and had breathing difficulties. But after 5 days in hospital he was allowed home where we can now enjoy and get to know our little son!

Happy New Year

2008-01-12T09:57:00.000Z

Well we're just playing the waiting game now. As you can see there's not long to go now until we meet our son. Ripley is keen on getting things started as she's fed up with all the many aches and pains and sleepless nights (although I'm sure these won't stop just yet!). We have everything ready now, the pool and all it's equipment, plenty of food in the freezer etc etc, now we're waiting on the big day. We were watching a home birthing programme that we had recorded from the tv last night, and it was really cool. The woman giving birth to her first baby was so strong and confident & it only took her 7 hours from start to finish. The only thing was that she was 3 weeks overdue which must have been quite distressing for her, and she got a girl when she thought she was having a boy!! Hope that doesn't happen to us as I'm quite attached to the idea of having a boy now. Oh well as long as baby is healthy I don't mind either.

2007-11-07T18:07:00.000Z

Hello to those of you that still read this, sorry we haven't updated for a while! Well, what's happening since we last wrote? Everything is just going fine. Ripley is just over 6 months pregnant & she's OK, apart from a few aches & pains & terrible indigestion! Her belly is really huge now, & it's jumping around all over the place. She still cycles to & from work everyday, although obviously not at the speed she used to! She'll be finishing work on the 7th December for maternity leave, which is great as I won't have to worry if she got to work safely everyday. I am quiting work on the 19th December so I can look after her & baby once it's here. I'm so excited about that. Money will be a bit tight, but there's more to life than money, me thinks. I plan to get a part time job once I know Ripley has recovered & Ripley will be back full time next October. We've decided to have a home birth as the hospital that is local to us is absolutely disgusting. We had a tour of the hospital one weekend, & the room they showed us was awful ie rust stains all around the plug hole of the birthing pool, lino that had ripped & they hadn't stuck back down, stains on the walls & ceiling, need I go on!!! So we feel it'll be better to have home comforts. We will have our own midwife that will come to our home to do Ripley's anti natal check ups & will be there for the birth, well we hope!! We've also hired a "doula" which is a non-medical assistant who provides physical, emotional and informational support in prenatal care, during childbirth and during the postpartum period. We've met her once & we both liked her instantly, & she'll be coming to visit us on Monday evening........Anyway that's enough for now. I'll write more on another day.

It's A Boy!!

2007-09-12T21:36:00.000+01:00

Well we had the scan & everythings going well. The scan picture isn't that great & they only gave us one picture but least we can see it's got a spine!

20 week scan

2007-09-09T07:12:00.000+01:00

We've got an appointment for our 20 week scan tomorrow. I can't wait to see the little one, & we should get to know if it's a boy or a girl. Although we've been hearing rumours that our hospital may not tell us the sex, so if they don't then we'll have to look really hard!! Ripley has been experiencing some pain since yesterday, I really hope everything is OK. I'm hoping it's just things growing & stretching. At least the scan will show us if it is. Sorry we haven't been posting very much lately but we just haven't had the time of late. We'll post some scan pictures if all being well. Fingers crossed.

Things I've learnt about being a pregnant lesbian

2007-08-12T08:05:00.000+01:00

Telling people is more awkward than I'd expected - some just don't care (mainly those who've never had babies and never thought about wanting them), some get really excited (mainly those who are already parents and happy to be so). But because I don't know who is having/has had difficulties trying to conceive, and because I remember how painful it was to hear people at work discussing the various pregnancies in the office around the time of Cagney's miscarriage, I'm always worried about how to present the news, without seeming too excited or expecting a positive reaction.
Only one person has responded with "can I ask how?". Most people find it perfectly normal that a lesbian should get pregnant. What a progressive society we live in!
Many people (mainly men) drop their eyes direct to my belly, looking for a bump. Telling them it's only 6cm or 10cm long only means they keep sneaking glances over the next few weeks, and commenting "still not showing then?"
Once told, many people take it as a cue to recall all the horror stories they've heard about giving birth:
"my friend ripped all the way to her arsehole, couldn't sit down for weeks, hasn't ad a decent sex life since..."
This is always from people who have never given birth themselves. And it is always unsolicited, unwanted advice. PLEASE STOP!
Others take it as the cue to tell me how I'll change:
"You'll get all emotional and start hugging complete strangers"
"I don't think so"
"Yes you will! My cousin..."
"No - really - I don't see that my boundaries will undergo some tectonic shift such that I want to start rubbing my flesh against that of complete strangers"
"Oh. Well, let's just wait and see" (knowing wink)
(I'm not a particularly tactile person)
Being pregnant is much harder work physically than I had ever imagined in the early stages.
You can be 16 weeks pregnant, not showing, and still have outgrown all your clothes (I've found this really upsetting, which is odd, given how little attention I generally give my appearance).
I think all maternity bra designers are men. How else would many styles stop at sizes smaller than I was pre-pregnancy? Why do they worry more about bragging that their bras are "100% cotton" and not whether they offer expanding and overly sensitive bosoms any support at all? Tip: if you weren't flat chested before pregnancy, find a comfortable sports bra and ignore the horrible maternity range with their pink bows, total lack of support and skinny shoulder straps that leave welts across your shoulders.
All the books assume your parter is a man. Looks like authors/editors live outside that progressive society my friends/work colleagues inhabit.
Um, there should be a number 10 here. But I can't think any more. Those pregnancy hormones mean I keep forgetting everything... Cagney, help me out?

12 week scan

2007-08-01T18:09:00.000+01:00

Heres a scan picture of baby at 12 weeks and 4 days. Hope you can all see it clearly!!

things not to worry about in early pregnancy

2007-07-29T14:02:00.000+01:00

So,

it's now 14 and a half weeks and everything looks fine. The midwife visited last week and we heard the baby's heartbeat. The 12 week scan showed no problems, and finally I am relaxing! But I spent the first 12 weeks of this pregnancy convinced I would miscarry at any moment. I spent time on the web searching for my symptoms (or lack of symptoms) and what they might mean. In case anyone else gets crazy like me, I thought I'd list all the things that worried me, needlessly. If these things happen to you too - they're not a sign of impending doom!

Pains. About 4 weeks (just the 2 days after my period was due), I had fairly constant moderately bad pain in my lower abdomen. The GP suggested it might be a sign of ectopic pregnancy, but they faded over the next day and haven't come back. Maybe my uterus was welcoming a new guest?
No symptoms. Everything I read said sore breasts are the commonest early sign of pregnancy. So when mine were sore, it was comforting. But then they'd suddenly feel absolutely normal - sore for a week, or a couple of days, then nothing for another several days. That was the most scariest, after Cagney's miscarriage which was preceded by a loss of symptoms. But, again, everything was fine. The soreness normally returned after a few days (although they've now been pretty much pain free since 10 weeks).
No nausea/vomitting. Really. Absolutely none! I got really lucky here, but again, at the time, took it as a bad sign. But not every woman gets morning sickness. Some (about 20%) don't!
More pains. At various times I'd have brief sharp pains, or longer period-like cramps. The web suggested these were scary only if accompanied by bleeding (which they weren't). I'm now getting used to them - figure it's the uterus stretching.

So. Maybe this is useful for you. Maybe it's useful for me to remind myself what a worrywort I can be!

Thinking way back

2007-07-11T18:48:00.000+01:00

We got a comment on a recent post asking about how we found a father, and what legal steps we took in the UK. So, thinking back to a over year ago when our first firm steps began.

After talking half-seriously about starting a family, Cagney and I realised we would like a father, not just a sperm donor, and set about thinking how to find one. We considered ads in the gay press (there are often one or two in the Pink Paper) but that had the disadvantage that we thought it could take a long time to get to know someone well enough from scratch. Around the same time, Cagney started asking (almost) any man we knew if they wanted to give us some sperm - even to the point of asking a straight friend who'd recently got married - in front on his wife! Anyway, one guy responded with "if you're serious, we should talk about this sober".

Having a friend as a father works well in a lot of ways - we already knew that we got on, knew about how long he can maintain close friendships (we're hoping that's a marker for how long we'll maintain a family relationship) and have some trust and common ties before we began. But I think we got lucky - I'm not really sure what we'd have done if Travolta hadn't been keen.

There followed lots of conversations (some quite awkward) about what all our expectations were, and the mechanics of how the insemination would work. We wanted to be clear from the start that we would be 3 equal parents, so we made an appointment with a solicitor (picked from an ad in Diva) to discuss the legal hows.

The legal bit

As Cagney and I are civil partners, that makes things easier (I don't know what would be different if we weren't, but what follows may be specific to the situation of civil partners). In the UK, only 2 people can be listed on the birth certificate. We thought these should be the biological parents. But anyone else can be given "parental rights" simply by signing a document. All 3 people then have equal rights about decisions about schooling, where the child lives etc, but only the biological parents would have the right to put the child up for adoption.

We set out in a legal agreement our intentions - why we were doing this, what commitments we were making to each other and any child. I don't recall the full cost, but it was about a few £100.

Once the child is born, we will need to get the parental rights sorted, so are planning to revisit the solicitor in the months before the birth so that they can be transferred to Cagney asap after the birth. With these, she will have all the same work rights as any other parent (paternity leave, right to flexible working, parental leave while the child is young).

And the rest

The comment also asked about what tests we'd had done. And the answer is - none. Travolta said he'd been tested fairly recently and was scrupulous about practicing safe sex! I think in the UK it's hard to get fertility testing as a woman on the NHS unless you've been trying over a year. But I believe men can get a sperm count quite easily (this sounds sexist, but it's most likely to do with rationing and the relative cost/invasiveness of fertility testing for men and women).

So we just went ahead - taking temperatures, weeing on a stick to predict ovulation, and ferrying pots of fresh sperm across town! (We'd started the temperature charting and stick weeing well in advance, so when the legal/emotional decision was made, we were ready to start right away. Although the logistics and complete nervous embarrassment took a few months to iron out...)

what is a picture worth?

2007-06-29T19:05:00.000+01:00

I haven't written in ages, basically because I've been in constant terror that I was about to miscarry. I've had almost no pregnancy symptoms, and, in the UK, you have to wait till 13 weeks for the scan. I thought the TWW was bad, but this?!?

So, taking the money *can* buy you happiness route, we paid for a private scan today and, amazingly, there was a live moving foetus on the screen, perfectly sized for 10 weeks, waving at us, and with a strong heartbeat. We were all so scared, but, now, well, WOW!

A Baby

2007-06-29T17:43:00.000+01:00

Well, the scan shows that Ripley is definately pregnant. It was amazing to see the little precious thing, and hear it's heartbeat. The doc said it looked perfect. I'll scan the pictures later & put them here for all to see. We are so over the moon & excited, it hasn't really sunk in properly yet. WOW!!!

Scan

2007-06-28T19:13:00.000+01:00

Ripley is going for a scan tomorrow. She is having to pay for it though as she can't wait for another 3 weeks for a 13 week scan. She hasn't been feeling any symptons for the past 2 weeks and she's worried there's nothing there. Let's hope she's wrong. The scan is in the morning. I'll post something tomorrow if I'm able.

2007-06-17T10:55:00.000+01:00

Ripley is now 8 & a half weeks pregnant!!! WOW!! It's been a hard few weeks tho, she is so worried she'll miscarry, but I'm trying to keep her positive. She's off for a weeks conference in Italy. I hope she'll be OK. She's going to inform me of her progress everyday, & if anything goes wrong she'll get the next flight home. It's so nerve racking, & we can't wait until she has her 12 weeks scan, it's frustrating we have to wait so long, but there's not much else we can do.

the proof

2007-05-20T15:12:00.000+01:00

So. Panicky (that not-sore breasts thing again), I did another test. Compare first test:

vs 3 days later (today):

Much darker. Which is reassuring. Or, at least it was, until I started worrying that all that shows is that the hormone metabolites are high in my urine, which means they were high in my body yesterday...

But I should get over myself. Cagney reckons I should enjoy the days I am pregnant while I am. Can't change what's going to happen (or what already has), so am going to try my hardest to follow her advice.

not quite 5 weeks

2007-05-20T13:08:00.000+01:00

so it's not quite 5 weeks - just 32 days pregnant - and still very early. I haven't really got excited about it yet. Absolutely terrified it's going to fall out. In the middle of last week I had two days of quite moderate constant pain in my lower abdomen. Tested positive right in the middle of that, but even though the pain's gone now, I still fear it was the fertilised egg being rejected and that my body's just waiting to expel it. Every time my breasts swell up and get sore (and I mean really sore - much worse than premenstrual!) my mood goes up, but then they return to normal and I get scared again. Am walking round feeling them it public just to keep constant check on their current state - very bad habit!!!

It's also really hard because I know just how Cagney feels, happy for me but terribly sad that it's not her at the same time, because I felt exactly the same when she was pregnant. In the end, I realised that if we manage to make a baby, once it's here it won't matter who gave birth, because we'll both fall in love with the baby - after all who doesn't love a baby? Doesn't make it any easier to watch Cagney go through the same feelings, though.

So. Off on hols tomorrow. Please keep fingers crossed we have happy news when we get back.

News

2007-05-20T11:27:00.000+01:00

Ripley is just about 5 weeks pregnant!!!!! I'm hoping she'll write some stuff but I think she's gone blogger shy. She can't believe it & nor can I. She is so pleased that she can get pregnant as she thought she might not be able to, but we're all trying not to get excited as it's early days & especially because I've lost 2 already. My heads been full of mixed emotions. Whilst I'm happy for her & all 3 of us, I'm also so sad it isn't me again, & it's been hard not to show it. I'm so hoping that things will turn out fine for her tho, & I'm sure in time, I will get over my sadness. Anyway, we are going to Canada for 2 & a half weeks, so we'll post any news when we return.

2007-04-30T17:58:00.000+01:00

Ripley, Travolta & I have decided that we'd all like to try again, but this time the deadlines December. Ripley is due insem at the end of this week. I'm going to wait until after holiday to give my body time to recover. So here goes back on the rollercoaster ride again!! I'm quite excited by the idea, but am worried it will go horribly wrong again, but as long as we stick to the cut off point we should be fine.

2007-04-12T12:32:00.000+01:00

Went for the internal scan yesterday at the hospital, everythings ok which is good, tho I'm still bleeding but it's getting lighter now. Ripley & I are thinking of having a break from trying. We have a big holiday booked in 6 weeks time to go to Canada for 2 weeks. We will then talk once we get back to see if we want to try again or whether to call it quits.

Ripley's storing up for a long post, but otherwise we may not post again till after our holiday (June). Good luck everyone else who's trying!

2007-04-09T15:12:00.000+01:00

I'm still bleeding quite heavy, luckily I'm not at work due to the easter bank holiday weekend & don't have to be back until Wednesday, so least I get a chance to rest & recover before getting back into the daily grind. Ripley has been so tremendous & supportive. I feel so lucky & so loved. I couldn't have got through this whole ordeal without her. We are so gutted. We went shopping earlier & there's just so many babies & pregnant women about. I was queueing at a checkout & I was getting so angry because the shop assistant was so slow that I thought to myself that if anyone dared push, shove or talk to me I would just bark at them....luckily no-one did!! Ripley has been making sure that I have a dose of iron everyday, today we're having watercress soup for dinner...yum.

Some Links

2007-04-08T15:44:00.000+01:00

We found these sites useful:

Miscarriage Clinic

Miscarriage Association

Sadness

2007-04-08T15:03:00.000+01:00

5 days later & I'm still bleeding quite heavy, & it doesn't seem to ease off. The cramps were quite severe yesterday so I had to give in & take some pain killers. I feel quite tired & I just want this over with so I can move on, everytime I go to the loo it's a constant reminder on what could have been. It would have been 8 weeks tomorrow, but looking back I think it died a week or so before I started bleeding, as my symptons just dissapeared. I'm grateful that I lost it earlier than later tho, that gives me some comfort at least. Travolta came round last night & we had a drink or two, first time in months! He's been great but I don't think he can comprehend what I'm actually going through, I don't think men in general can. I will be having an internal scan on Wednesday afternoon to see if everythings gone, I'm not looking forward to this, but hopefully they'll tell me everythings fine.

Not Good News

2007-04-06T08:45:00.000+01:00

I started bleeding on Tuesday afternoon. I phoned my doctors surgery & they told me to go to A&E as soon as possible. I was at work at the time so left pretty sharpish. Luckily I had told someone at work the week before that I was pregnant so they could cover for me. The doctors at the hospital was so nice & reassuring, & they didn't bat an eyelid that I had brought Ripley with me. They took a blood sample to test for my hcg levels & then the doctor did an internal examination to feel if everything was ok & to take a swab. Unfortunately the bleeding got heavier, and it turns out I am miscarrying. There is so little information about this - what happens to your body. I can't write it all down now, what's happening to me, but I will. It's quite a hard time for me, Ripley and Travolta. We're going to get together for a good cry tomorrow. I know in time we'll be alright.

6 Weeks Pregnant

2007-03-31T09:24:00.000+01:00

Well 7 weeks on Monday!! Everythings going fine apart from sore nipples & a bit of nausea. Haven't been sick tho which is good. Did another test in the week just to check that I am still pregnant, & I still am of course! Feeling really excited now, but scared at the same time as our lives are going to change...forever, not thats a bad thing. We can't really make plans though until we've had the all clear scan. I'm so dreading it if it's got downs, I don't really know what to do, but we all hope that it'll be fine. Anyway must dash now as Ripley wants us to go shopping. Will write next week.

OMG!!!

2007-03-24T08:57:00.000Z

Sorry for not writing again. Lifes been a bit hectic what with work etc. Anyway some news, I'm 41 days pregnanat!!!! Ripley & I went to the doctors yesterday, & he confirmed it!!! He was so pleased for us & he's gay too which helps. WOW WEE!!! I can't beleive it, although trying really hard not to get too excited in case I lose it, December was definitely a wake up call. I saw a picture in the book that the doctor gave us yesterday at what a baby looks like at 6 weeks and it's so tiny at 8mm. Travolta's coming round tonight so we'll have to start organising things, I don't think it's really sunk in with him yet as he was so casual about the news. We did text him tho, so maybe that's why. Ripley & I have so much to do now as we want to sell the flat we're in & move into a house, although we'll have to move out of the city, but that's not a bad thing. Anyway I will try & post every Saturday & keep you updated with any news - let's hope it'll all be good! Fingers & toes crossed for us.

Long time no see!

2007-03-04T11:07:00.000Z

Sorry we've not been posting for a while. I guess we've both been feeling resigned to the fact that this may not work after all. We've both decided that we'll probably give up trying before our holiday in May, although we have yet to discuss this with Travolta. I'll be 41 in 9 days time, so I think my clock will have stopped ticking by then. I was inseminated last weekend so I'll know by my birthday if anythings happening or not, although I have been experiencing feelings down below but I think that might be wishful thinking! Will keep you posted anyway. I've been following the blog of http://mom-n-mama.blogspot.com/ & I've been disheartened to read that they've split up after so many years together. I just hope they can sort through whatevers gone wrong & get back together. It's been such a trying time for Ripley & myself, & we've had a few tearful times together due to the fact that we may never get pregnant, but we've decided that if this doesn't work then it doesn't work & we'll just carry on. It will take a while to get over it but at least we can look back & say we tried.

Here Goes Again!!

2007-01-27T14:59:00.000Z

It will be insemination day for me either Sunday or Monday. Feel quite neutral to the idea at the moment. Especially as I had last month off to let my body recover from the previous insem. I wonder what will happen this month?!

Stress

2006-12-29T17:05:00.000Z

This is horribile. The whole TTC thing just takes over everything. I'm pretty sure it hasn't worked for me this month. Which is ok, but I'm sad about it, and I think this is compounded by all the emotion about Cagney's nearly this month. I want to be sure so I can have a tot of whiskey and relax. Just that, and I'd be fine. But until I'm sure, I can't, just in case. So I'm walking round feeling like a mad woman, in limbo land, unable to live my life (ok, ok, I know life doesn't depend on whiskey, though the direct translation of the Gaelic uisce beatha is water of life. But I also can't run, can't sleep through the night... kinda messes with your head!)

So, BIG apologies are due to Cagney, as my attempts at avoiding getting emotional in front of her means I distance myself from her. And that's kind of the hardest part of all this. We've been together nearly 10 years, and this year's been the best yet. Now, with this TTC stuff, I feel like we're jeopardising all that for something that may never happen. I know our relationship will survive, but we're losing what should be lovely days over the xmas hols to my TTC-related bad mood.

Cagney, I am so sorry.

Wasn't to be

2006-12-23T16:16:00.000Z

Well I got my period yesterday, so that's finalised things. I felt quite empty when we came out of the doctors on Thursday knowing that is was definately not pregnant, & when he told me I thought I was going to pass out, probably cos I'm now so tired.

Now that I know for sure, I will skip nexts months insem to give my body & mind time to heal & start again after that.

Phew, what a rollercoaster ride!

So emotional

2006-12-22T16:29:00.000Z

This whole journey is far more emotional than I had ever expected. This last week - after positive pregnancy tests last weekend - none of us (Cagney, Travolta or me) have slept. So many possibilities and my mind racing ahead to a billion and one "what-if" scenarios. After all that, we went to the doc yesterday and he seemed really chuffed for us when Cagney said she thought she was pregnant. But the test was negative. It seems most likely that she was pregnant, but has had a very early miscarriage.

That she isn't mad, and that her symptoms were real is somehow comforting. The loss is real but very painful. However, Travolta's kind and generous response to all this uncertainty and bad news has been tremendous - happy to be with us or leave us alone, putting Cagney's feelings before his own, and it must be hard to deal with this alone. Another reason why we made a perfect choice.

Plus he's a silver lining kind of guy. We now know his sperm and Cagney's egg met. Which means they can do again. Whether I can bear to go through 9 months feeling like I did for the last week I can't bear to think about right now.

I may be positive!

2006-12-19T11:00:00.000Z

The signs: I am late for my period more than normal
My breasts feel heavy
I have done 3 tests & they all have faint lines (Ripley did one too just to see if she got a faint line but she didn't get anything)
Am I preggers? I don't know 100%, I plan to do a test in 2 days time & if it's still the same I will make an appointment with my doctor. It's driving me crazy, the not knowing for sure. Will have to wait until Thursday to be certain one way or another.

But then again...

2006-12-18T16:04:00.000Z

Another test - this time negative.

This whole waiting business feels even harder when it's not my body that's waiting. Cagney is being very patient with all my repetitive questions ("but do you feel any different, at all, anywhere? No."). But what we really need is a conclusive yes or no from a test kit.

OMG!!! It's a positive

2006-12-18T09:51:00.000Z

So Cagney's had 3 positive pregnancy tests. She's not totally convinced. But I am - O...M...G...!!!!

(sorry Cagney for spilling the beans, just couldn't not!)

SO many feelings., don't know where/how to start describing them. It's finally real - we're really going to make a baby. So much will change, so it's exciting but the unknowns make it scary too.

Cagney writes better than me, so I'll pass the pen to her...

Still no sign of period!

2006-12-17T10:29:00.000Z

It's been 16 days since ovulation & there's no sign of anything! I'm about 4 days overdue for my period. I'm irregular anyway but this is really irregular, I don't recall being this overdue for a period before. I've done 2 pregnancy tests, yesterday & today, but they were both negative. If I don't get my period within the next few days I will test again.

It's so blimmin scarey not knowing either way, I feel quite a loss when the test doesn't read what I expected it to. Although, I don't really feel any diiferent. Ripley & I both think I'm due on, as I was frantically cleaning the kitchen this morning!

Fingers & toes crossed again for the next few days, it would be the perfect xmas gift.

Pains!!

2006-12-13T12:28:00.000Z

I keep getting little pains in my womb, I've never experienced them before. Could I be preggers or is it just my lining detatching itself? I should be due on anytime from now, I haven't had sore boobs this month & my temperature is 36.7. I shouldn't get carried away, but I can't stop myself.

Saturday Mornings Attempt

2006-12-03T19:18:00.000Z

Ripley cycled over for the collection from Travolta on Saturday morning. Travolta lives an hours cycle ride away. She was fine getting there, but on the way back disaster struck and she gained a puncture and of course didn't take a repair kit with her! She had to walk for 45 minutes until she found a cab office that would take her the rest of the way home. Altogether it took her 2 hours to return.

Travolta luckily had put his donation in a specimen pot inside a flask, so hopefully they wouldn't have got too cold!

A 2nd Attempt

2006-12-01T13:34:00.000Z

Had a go for the 2nd time last night , and again tonight, fingers, toes & legs crossed (well not too tightly!) again. Shame it's so near the xmas period tho, I have a works party next week & I shall be stone cold sober while everyone around me will be legless. Might be interesting I suppose for an hour or two!! Let's hope it works for either of us this month. I'm thinking of giving up after 6 months as I'm 40 years old & maybe my eggs will have disintergrated. See how I feel anyway.

Didn't Work This Month

2006-11-20T14:58:00.000Z

A bit sad when I realised it wasn't to be, but sort of releived as the thought that it could have been positive is terrifying. Don't get me wrong of course I want it to work, it's just scarey that my life will change!

Will try again next week, & see what happens. It may work this month for Ripley anyway.....fingers crossed.

The TWW begins!

2006-11-19T18:00:00.000Z

So, insemination complete. Went easier this month, I think. It would be absolutely lovely if it worked this month, as the insemination was in the 2 day window between the anniversaries of my parents' deaths, but I'm much calmer about "am I? Amn't I?" - I think I've learned my lesson that hope can lead to dismay. So finger's crossed, keep my mind busy, and see what's what in a fortnight.

Preparing for next insem

2006-11-16T09:55:00.000Z

It's been quite a relief the last couple of weeks knowing for sure I'm *not* pregnant. Able to exercise/drink/eat without worrying what it might mean for something that may or may not be growing inside me. Not really looking forward to the coming 2 weeks of uncertainty.

Waiting

2006-11-14T12:42:00.000Z

It seems like forever & it's only been a week! One more week to go. I don't think I am but I won't know until next week sometime. It feels so strange to think that there might be something inside of me, but I'm trying not to get too excited about it.
I really miss having a drink, I don't drink loads but we went out with Travolta at the weekend to socialise & it was so hard going to the pub & just drinking tomato juice. Although I do feel quite virtuous about it!

Yesterday

2006-11-10T15:08:00.000Z

Monday didn't go as planned!! I had this feeling it wouldn't, but then again I'm always pesermistic about things! Travolta couldn't deliver, not his fault tho, people at this place of work wouldn't leave & time was getting on, so we left it at that. Yesterday worked out much better tho. Although I was far too nervous to be able to relax with Ripley even after half a bottle of champaigne. The thought of his stuff inside me & what it could turn into is going to turn anyone off!

So now I have to wait for 2 weeks & go thro all the emotions that Riply went through. I really don't think it's going to work, Ripley says I have a 20% chance which really looks bleak, & I missed my positive day which was 2 days ago. So it'll be good practice if nothing else!

Not this time

2006-11-06T21:02:00.000Z

So it didn't work. But it was kinda harder to deal with emotionally than I'd expected - particularly as I was a couple of days late, and because my temperature stayed up, my mind started inventing the future. It all came crashing down when we got home after a lovely night out celebrating friends' civil partnership (yes - it's LEGAL in the UK, though the churches won't let us call it marriage).

Oh well. Chin up, stiff upper lip and all that, eh?

My turn!

2006-11-06T16:07:00.000Z

I'm feeling quite nervous about it now. The pick up will be in a few hours time. Will write more tomorrow, if I don't bottle out of course!

WTF?

2006-11-02T14:34:00.000Z

So today should be the end of TWW. I'm pretty much certain it's not worked this month, and my temperature dipped yesterday. But things are confusing b/c I had a fever the two days before that, and it's gone back up today. Also, breasts are still really sore, and that normally stops a couple of days before I'm due. I did an early pregnancy test just in case, and that's negative. So, like, WTF should I be thinking now?

exercise

2006-10-30T16:35:00.000Z

I exercise semi-regularly (running/swimming 2-3 times a week + cycling to/from work), and have been trying to find evidence about the effects of exercise on conception/pregnancy.

General advice on the web can be a little confusing. BabyCentre come down in favour of exercise (within certain parameters), quoting a Norwegian study of 42 women that showed no relationship between exercise intensity and birth outcomes. (To me, 42 is too few women to draw any firm conslusions).

A review from the respected Cochran Database says the jury's out with regard to pregnancy outcomes and that larger trials are needed.

The Royal College of Obstetricians gives some quite detailed advice supporting exercise, but with few references to supporting evidence.

More important to me at this time, I've seen absolutely nothing with regards to exercise and chances of conception. So what should I do? I went running the day after insemination this month, and then spent the next couple of days worrying that I might have dislodged the little swimmers en route. I've avoided running since, fearful that the impact of pavement running, in particular, could prevent implantation. I have absolutely no evidence on which to base this though, and that's a shame. A large prospective study in this area shouldn't be too hard to design.

For now, I think I'm going to concentrate on swimming/cycling in the second fortnight of the month, and save running for the first. This is based entirely on avoiding my own worries, and I would much rather make an informed choice. If anyone knows of better evidence in this area, please comment?

One last point. Most of the guidance I've read in this area suggests keeping heart-rate down to 145 or below. Obviously, I've no idea about heart rates once you're carrying a baby, but, right now, I struggle to see the fun in that. Can low impact exercise really be fun? I guess I'm going to have to find out!

Calmer

2006-10-30T12:02:00.000Z

I'm calmer and worrying less about the "am I, amn't I?" question. I think, basically, I'm not. Having accepted that, it's easier to move on and look forward to Cagney's first try in the next week or 10 days.

Reading tealeaves

2006-10-28T17:18:00.000+01:00

When I was young, one of my friend had a granma who read tealeaves. (I think some of my gran's friends did too, but they weren't as terrifying as this Blitz-hardened East-Ender which is why I remember her more clearly).

You would have to drink down a cup of hot sweet tea (yuk!) and she would grab the cup, upturn it, peer into the saucer and tell you tales about what the future held. Throughout the tale she'd be pointing at the patterns in the tealeaves, saying "see? This shape here means...".

I feel now just like I did then - straining to decipher the patterns in those tealeaves. Charting my temperature and over-interpreting every little blip.

One week's waiting down. One more and we will know one way or another. Roll on next weekend!

Waiting!

2006-10-28T14:33:00.002+01:00

It's so typical when you want your period to happen & it doesn't. I had told Travolta the next dates he was to drop his drops & have now had to change them. I was terrified that I might be having an early menopause! I only came on 3 days late in the end, I think it was just the stress of everything waylaid it.

So, it's my turn maybe next weekend or a few days after that. I'm not really looking forward to cycling across town to meet him whilst he spills his load in his work toilet, & then having to cycle back home with it in my panniers & trying to avoid all the potholes & speedbumps...I sure it will be fine tho ;~)

Nausea

2006-10-25T15:57:00.000+01:00

So I've been getting waves of (very) mild nausea for the last couple of days. Can this be a very (very - only 5 days post insem!) early symptom of pregnancy? I don't know enough about the biology, but I suspect not.

So my mind is playing games on me. Great. Just what I wanted when I need to trust what my body's telling me!

Second Time Around

2006-10-22T15:06:00.000+01:00

Travolta drove across town at short notice with a fresh sample lat night & we wasn't so flustered when we met up as the first night. Although Riply did put her foot in it & suggested that when we meet up socially next weekend that "maybe we could have a quicky in the toilets"....meaning me & her but it came out all wrong!! We had a good laugh about it tho & it broke the ice.

We are using 10ml syringes (without the needles of course) that we purchased from ebay. We have to wait 2 weeks now to see what happened. It's my first attempt on the 4th November, although if Ripley's poitive I'll hold off & wait & see if she's definately pregnant. Don't really fancy having 2 lots of nappies to change just yet!

Equipment: LH testing kits

2006-10-22T12:13:00.000+01:00

We use LH testing kits to predict ovulation - in conjunction with monitoring temperatures, they're supposed to be helpful in predicting the best time for insemination. Everything I read on the subject, however, gets less and less clear on when this optimal time actually is. The closer to ovulation the better, and early rather than late seems to be the message. LH levels surge 24-36 hours before ovulation, so we inseminated on the day of the surge and the next day. Will this work? Who knows! (Watch this space).

The tests we used were "Advanced LH Home Ovulation Tests" kits from Access Diagnostics. They're cheap, simple to use, and arrive within a day or two of ordering. Please note: this is not intended to be an advert/endorsement/whatever - but it took us a while to find an affordable source of these things, and thought it might be useful to give a link for anyone else looking.

About Last Night!!

2006-10-21T16:03:00.000+01:00

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I imagined it would end up in a messy mess, & that I would drop the syringe on the floor & the dog would eat it, but everything went smoothly, I think the glass of champagne helped, as we were all nerves & giggles. We have to do this all again tomorrow so we should be old pro's at it by then!

Preparations, preparations, preparations

2006-10-21T14:18:00.000+01:00

This is about our attempt, as a lesbian couple (to protect our anonymity, we'll call ourselves Cagney and Ripley!), to create a child.

We've been making preparations for months now:

finding someone who wanted to father a child
getting to know each other and our hopes for what this could bring
drawing up a co-parenting agreement
monitoring baseline temperatures
monitoring ovulation

More details on all these to follow. But for now - finally - the day has dawned, and we made our first attempt at insemination! We're keeping our options open, and are going to both try, and see who "catches" first. First turn is mine (Ripley).

Our father-to-be (who we'll call Travolta) delivered the sperm as arranged. The words "embarrassing" and "awkward" barely describe our attempts at smalltalk! Then we were left to get down to it - making love with a syringe of semen is a whole new experience. Kinda scary but lovely too.

And now it's fingers crossed (and legs crossed). Will have another go tomorrow, then wait two weeks and hope!